The Blog of hardtimes

Well I have made quite a few changes since I last visited my favourite diary.

First as you know I changed the carpet in Si's room, then hubby and I set about turning the room into our office and a sitting room where the grandchildren can sit and watch dvd's, and somewhere to  put all the bub's toys. The shower room became a bit of a store room for all Si's stuff for a while. I have finally given most of his good clothes away to friends and family and the rest went to the clothing recycling, I'm sure Si would have  approved.

Next I decided to re decorate the dining room and kitchen, [wish I haden't] but I did, 3 coats of paint [duckegg blue for the ceilings] pearly white for the walls [also 3 coats] [ I WILL NEVER BUY CHEAP PAINT AGAIN!] and a really loverly cream paper with big duckegg blue chrisanths in the archway which is by my dining table and in the kitchen which is mostly cupboards. Then to complete the look we got some floating glass shelves which I have put  my dark blue glass ornaments on and some other tasteful bits and pieces. We replaced the tv, video, dvd & freeview boxes [so  bulky and unsightly taking up so much room] with one of those new flat screen all singing and dancing from tesco's. new curtains duckegg blue as well, and I changed the artwork around a bit, bought the real stuff in from the other rooms as it matched the decor. A new ceiling light as well.

Hubby did a bit i.e. plugging all the holes he had drilled to put the tv etc on the wall ,the lights and shelving, the rest was down to me, it was  knackering what  with work and all  but well worth the effort it tired me out and occupied my mind to distraction. The effect is quite good it's fresh and clean, and gave me the prompt I needed for the tiding up all the stuff that's been laying around for ages, [de-cluttering].

Next I  told the hubby that he had to help around the house and bless him he has been trying he managed to change the bed one week and did the hoovering last week, we have been working together and hopefully that will be the way it is from now on, we have applied for an allotment as well so  we have something else to do together other than him drinking and me planning our divorce,Ha ha.

On a sad note, I have ordered Si's {on my Grandads grave stone] inscription, that will be completed next year, and his ashes have gone to London, Kenya [with my dad] some are still here for internment and a small amount is going to Leicester park and to Liverpool football ground [next year]. I have had loads of support and feel that we have done the right thing. I still cry every now and again for seemingly no reason, just a small thing sets me off,but I know that will pass, I still miss him so much and there are so many  reminders of him here, that I hope will never change. The kids are coping well and getting on with thier lives,we all still talk about Si and include him in all we do, The Bub is still talking to him in his room which is nice and she has to just has to kiss his picture, "get it get it get it " is her cry  until she has kissed it then she is happy.

We have done quite a bit in the last month and I expect you have switched off by now,  but as this is also my diary I will continue,

Halloween went well we all dressed up well me and the kids did anyway and we had a bit of a party, Firework night went with a bang at my youngest sons house, we went to an  austentacious wedding, [ hubby's aunties] well over the top!

Christmaas is loomimg and I have had to start the xmas pressy purchases, cluttering up the bedrooms again! so that's it for now, I'm working my socks off at work, loads of new clients to sort out, and do they need sorting!

So it's time to pack up and get ready to start the day washing and cleaning my old folk.

I would like to say that I will get round to contacting my friends on EP as soon as I get some time to spare which should hopefully be soon, So to all my friends I will be in touch probably next week, I should get some freetime then.

Love to all, Keep well and happy!

Well I have gone back to work and it is helping I am a little vacent but that'a ok. I have my old client base back and have asked for another for next week I have also signed up for some [6] courses appropriate to my job [I think]. I get paid to attend so that is a bonus.

I think I will do the NVQ's needed to be a supervisor next year, more pay less work. I have been to my office and done all the paperwork I needed to do.

The bub is here today so we will go shopping and to the market, I need to buy some bedding plants for next week, the sunflowers will come down at the weekend, they are enormuss[ can't spell this word], so many heads still to come out but I need to re-bed, so I will have to be a bit ruthless.

The carpet was laid I wasn't? curious!

So I'm off now the bub needs to go shopping, bye for now.

Today I have been quite ruthless in clearing Simon's room, we are fitting a new carpet tomorrow. I know it is soon maybe too soon, but I have to make a start, so today is that day.

We will keep the room the same colour, blood red and the ceiling is black with a stormy sky clearing, with a pair of beautiful eyes just over the area where Si had his bed, that all stays but the room will now become our office.

I go back to work tomorrow and  that will help in all sorts of ways, finance  being the least of the changes.

I   have written to Captain Cash at the news  of the world, to see if he can help with a little finance towards Si's funeral costs, as I am a hard working caring mum without benefits of any sort I get no help from the goverment, typical!

I will log onto this site often to keep in touch with all my new friends, and to keep in touch with what's going on.

This will become a more upbeat place in the future,[hopefully].

In memory of Si.

Monday was Simon's final journey.

We had a motorbike lead the procession, with two other bikes in to control the traffic, it was a beautiful day and we went through the countryside to the crematorium.

When we arrived there was a sea of football shirts, and so many family and friends.

Tim, Mat, Nathan and Zenon carried Simon into the crematorium, they were all so nervous and they were shaking but they carried him with pride and dignity.

We had a Humanist service which was loverly and very personal, there must have been well over a hundred people, as there was people standing all around the back and sides as well as all those seated, Tim and Mat read thier letters and poems also manda's  letter ,as she was too emotional. I cried through most of it.

There was a few flower tributes, including two from Leicester [the witch's and her mother's] but it was mostly donations for the hospice.

We went back to the club for the wake, My friends helped prepare a mountain of food with me in the morning, and it was just enough, everyone was respectful and generous, a lot of people had travelled and had to leave after about 3 hours, so we cleaned up the venue and came home with about 20 of the younger mourners, fed them again and the drinks and stories flowed, I chucked them out about 9pm, cleaned up and went to bed satisfied that we had given Si the best possible send off that we could.

On Tuesday we took some of the flower tributes [the witches and her mothers] plus a bouquet, [they only accept 3] also 362 pounds collected at  the wake to the hospice + a bottle of Jack Daniels for the drinks trolley to the hospice.

Yesterday we ordered the new carpet for Si's room and started to plan the future without him. It is so quiet now and I am going back to work next week, My boss has given me back my clients, which he didn't have to do, so I can start to get my life back into some sort of normality.

So my friends that is about it. I'm sorry it is all so understated,  but I still have a few things to sort out and I have to get on now, I don't want my emotions making things harder.

Today I am going to see Simon for the last  time.

To be honest I am not really looking forward to going as I know I won't ever see him again, but I am going on my own as I feel I should say goodbye as  his mum and his friend and I couldn't do that if there was anyone else there!

Rob will come with me but not into the chapel. It is something I really  really need to do for Si and myself.

I have been lighting a candle next to his picture of him in his room every day, I talk to him like he is still there, but I know he  isn't.The room is warm and I feel comfy in there, I am slowly going through his stuff,  but I stop when I start to get too emotional.Slowly and surely I am letting him go in peace,With Love.

I thought his illness was hard but this is a million times harder. This final time of seeing him may be a mistake I won't know til it's done.

Everything else is sorted, only the food to arrange on Sunday/Monday.

I have even spoken to the dustbin men and they will try and do this part of thier round earlier.

One nice thing happened yesterday, we went through a camera that has been given to my grandson for his birthday from a mutual friend of the two eldest boys, and on it were some photo's of thier holiday in Amsterdam last year, It was great to see a smiling picture of Si and his Brother, relaxed and happy.we have printed some off so all the kids can have a copy and us.

The bub and her mummy are coming today and the hospice lady is visiting for the last time I should think, so  I have a full day ahead.

I will end here, for now and will continue when I feel up to it, it really does help and it's my diary of events to remember .

I never realised that you had to make an appointment to register a death!

I went on Tuesday with my oldest son, it took less time to register Si's death than it did to register him born, SAD!

They dealt with the Blue Badge for us and advised us on the next steps to take, they also gave us the paperwork for DHSS disability people and the certificate for the undertakers.

Wednesday I phoned all the benefits offices, and carers allowance people to cancel out our payments and si's,also the Council to stop the council tax benefit,  [ if you are a couple looking after a disabled person you get a reduction albeit small in your council tax].

Also phoned council body re; next doors hedge, told him date of funeral and said I wanted it to look respectable for Si's funeral, thought we deserved a little respect for a change, he promised it would be done, and true to his word he paid them a visit on Friday, Saturday morning much to my surprise, I heard hedge cutters going, it's not perfect and they  haven't finished it but the road side is cut and cleaned away. So I haven't got any grumbles about that.

Wednesday, ordered the flowers,, Kids did thiers on Tuesday, thiers is a football shirt [Liverpool of course] and ours is 4 aces with the Diamond in the front. Daughters friends mother is a florist so got a little discount on them.

Friday I emptied Si's account at the bank, [I was advised to do this ] Then I closed his account, it was quite painless,and it makes life  easier when DHSS wants the last payment back. All other accounts have been dealt with exept 1, which I will be able to deal with through the other bank account for Direct Payments.

We have received about 50 sympathy cards,which is lovely to think so many people are thinking about Si and us.

Also had some flowers, 1, even got sent from Afrika,[ Dad's friends,] I feel quite Humble at all the lovely things people have written, also we have had some of the "memories" in from couple of the children that loved Si, [his friends kids and his other step-sister].

I have written the service and Rob[hubby] has printed them 50 in all x5 sheets put spines on and put them in plastic covers, On Friday spoke to the Celebrant who will conduct the service, She thought what I wrote was very nice and she will add a bit more, a few memories and a poem.

The kids have all chipped in and paid for the venue.

My nephew and a few of his mates are going to lead off on motorbikes, that been sorted, so it will be quite a good send off.

Motorbikes, Hearst with Si in, 1st Limo,Me Hubby and kids, 2nd Limo for the 3 sets grandparents and the biological one. then all the other cars to follow, he will be walked out of the road, respectfully, and then to the crematorium. 

His friend has done the music:

Axle F [ drove me nuts with this as a kid, playing it on the keyboard]

Ape Man-Kinks [Si loved this  and was always singing it]

You'll never walk alone.- Gerry and the Pacemakers[Liverpool anthem]

So that's about it at the moment have been buying in plates and stuff to put the food on and in, and that's all that's left to do really, I've made a list of food stuffs and amounts required, have an army of volanteers to do the food, catering for about 100+.

Unless  anyone out there know what else I should be doing????????????

Still haven't cried really, had a few tears and I know that I need to, but I have so much to organise it's good that I am busy at the moment.

So That's my diary up to date, other than I sent the witches mother the obituary notice and told her she should over-ride her daughter and tell the kids herself! so they can send a letter to thier daddy before it's too late.

I wrote a letter /card to my grandchildren breaking the news very gently, it was a miss you card from thier Daddy, I sent it to the other nan with a cover note, she phoned on Sat and said she was so upset, [ which i believe] Si was fond of her as she is a Liverpool supporter too. anyway she said the witch had been told and that there was a card for the children telling them about thier daddy.

She said that her daughter would be back with the children at about 7.pm and they would talk about it.

My eldest phoned yesterday and was told that the children had not opened the card as thier mother didn't want them to know yet, she was waiting for the right time, what the hell does that mean, "the right time"??????????????????????/

We are all seething, but we are biting our tongues, we made a promise to Si and we will keep it. but it's so hard to sit here and not go to Leicester and rip her head off, What the hell does it mean, "the right time"?

Oh sorry I didn't tell you earlier kids but your daddy died while we were having fun!

"When"

Oh, about 2 months ago!!!

I can Honestly say I have never known anyone so heartless cold and hard.

The children have a right to know and a right to grieve, who does she think she is?

I don't want the children upset nobody does, but they need to know the truth surely.???????????

To be honest with you all, I could not have got through the last few months without all the love and support I have received from Family and Friends and especially my EP Family and friends, you have allowed a mum to express her grief without condemning her anguished out cries. My Children have been supported as well and it really has been a help.

We all went to see Si on Friday, He looked so peaceful and out of pain that I am glad we went.

He was dressed  in his liverpool shirt, with a smart shirt over the top, black trousers and black trainers. He had his liverpool scalf in his hands and his picture of the kids with him and a few other bits and pieces, he really looked like himself which was so nice for the kids and ourselves, they were just waiting for him to jump up and say "fooled you". We all knew he wouldn't though which is so sad.

His children received the card I sent on his behalf on Saturday, I haven't heard since, the witches mother was genuinly upset,but as I said no news from herself.

Today I am going to Register his passing, I feel ok about it.

Si will be cremated on 8th September at 11.20. So far there are about 100 people coming maybe a few more who knows? He will have a good send off at least.

Thank You All

My beautiful Son passed away last night at 8.30.

He went peacefully in his sleep.

His brothers and sister were all here and said thier goodbyes.

His friends had all been to visit or in contact by phone.

The rest of the family had been to see him.

I am going to miss him so much, he was the bravest of us all.

Si has been going down very fast, he isn't eating or drinking, he rallied a bit  on Friday when the bub  went in to see him, and he even ate a biscuit because she was sharing it with him, [bless] he tries so hard to be a really great uncle, even though he hasn't got the  strength,  I am so proud of him, he manages  to wave when anyone says goodbye and even blows kisses to the kids,, it's a strain and you can see he is having to try really hard but he is still acknowledging everyone and letting them know he is still here.

Wednesday, The hospice nuse came and discussed our arrangements, re staying here and what to do at the end, it was a tough chat and we have talked about it, he is our son and he's staying here.

Thurs: I phoned the witches mother and got through! I apologised again for the letter I wrote,  and once again begged and pleaded for some response from her daughter, [who has been "very poorly"  yeah right! prob, sore throat again][she had taken her dog to the vets and wasn't at  her mums],The  kids were there but I couldn't talk to them I didn't know what  to say. Her mother really dosn't realise what is going on, she didn't know that the Hospice had written to her daughter offering help and support, or that she could have come down here in a limo if that's what she wanted, or that I had offered to pay for her trip and wages lost, I'm just glad that she isn't my daughter, I would be so ashamed of the way she has and is behaving. She said she would talk to her again but I'm not holding my breath. Even a response would be better than nothing but it is definatly too late.

Also his grandparents from London came down [paternal] bless them they are getting so old and it was so hard for his gran, she sat with him for a while about 3 hours even though he was asleep most of that time, she is a lovely lady and I admire and respect her very much,so does my husband who she accepted straight away, over her own son! [which tells you alot about him.] she even treated our other two as grandchildren. they wouldn't stay here even though they were very welcome, but they stayed in the hotel where the eldest son works and came back the next day.

Friday: si was asleep most of the time. grandparents visited again and again gran sat for about 3 hours with si.[ bless her]grandad still doesn't get whats happening he still thinks Si has a 50/50 chance.

At least he was comfy,  he can't be moved much as it is painful for him but he is being kept clean and warm, we had the doctor out just to look at him and to say that there wasn't much they could do, and it was for my peace of mind as I don't want him cut up after he has gone[ he has to be seen by the doctor a fortnight before to avoid an autopsy].

Sat: Very busy with all the doctors and nurses and carers, Si still not good, he is starting to over heat and I am so sad, he is losing so much weight and his colour is not good, he is starting to cough, and is so sleepy all the time.Hubby got drunk again but we talked about things and made some desisions about things i.e. contacting some of Si's old friends that we  and he hadn't seen for a while and one in particular that he had fallen out with,but they had known each other for such a long time we thought he had a right to know what was happening and give him a chance to say "goodbye"

Sunday, contacted Si's old friends, one turned up with his wife straight away, which was nice and sad all at the same time. The others will try this week.

I decided that the family needed to be here so I cooked dinner for us all and it kept me busy.

Si has developed some bed sores, and a chest infection, doctors, carers, nurses all trying so hard to keep him comfy, he isn't!

He is so thin now and I don't think he will see the week out. It's so hard, but harder is trying to help the kids come to terms with it, youngest two are really struggling and don't want to let him go, oldest son keeping it together and has his kids this week, so that's keeping him from cracking up, hubby drinks and me well I'm just holding on, comforting Si and dealing with everyone. I have been checking out funeral things and making decisions. It's what needs to be done and it makes me feel useful,, that sounds harsh but I really don'tknow what else to do, other than sob my heart out, but there will be time for that later, I cry on and off but I have to hold on for a while longer just like si.

Last night I had to call the nurses back in the evening as Si felt very sick. The morphine was increased to 20mg over 24 hrs yesterday as he was in quite a lot of pain, and they did say he might feel a bit sick. So the gave him an injection of anti sickness drug.

This morning he seemed to brighten for about an hour but has been asleep since.

His brothers sat with him wilst hubby and I went to the hospice carers morning, it was very nice but not much use if you you know what I mean. Still it was nice for hubby to be included in the daily routine and the hospice meeting. We still can't talk much about the whole feelings thing but that too, is understandable, we had a bit of a chat at the hospice with various people and I think that in itself helps.

When we got back Si was still asleep, nurses due today, soon, and the hospice nurse tomorrow, so we will wait and see. Tomorrow is another day!

I know that we are nearing the end, and I am really scared that I won't cope!

I know I have to deal with it and I have to be strong for the kids, but I can feel myself detaching.

Si had quite a good day Friday he sat in his wheelchair for a couple of hours, he chatted to his little sister and his brother, then had a reasonable good night, Saturday was even better, he sat in his wheelchair all day and his head was up and he had loads of attitude. He talked to his younger brother which was good as each time he was visiting Si was asleep. It has been very hard on all the kids and they are coping so it was good that they all had the chance to talk and be "normal" for a short time

Hubby got rather drunk Saturday and though he" behaved" he got rather sad and sat with Si and poured his heart out with love and sorrow intermingled, holding Si's hand and telling him how much he loved him and how when it was "his" time he hoped that Si would be there waiting for him. I didn't interupt or stop him as Si nodded that  he was ok,and it needed to be said.It was quite touching to eavesdrop on that conversation, I don't like being sad around Si and I think hubby is doing his best.

It was great that Si  finally was able to talk to and enjoy his siblings visits and talk to his dad.

Saturday night  had to call nurses out his injection driver site had blown, they came about midnight  and re-did the site,then when the nurses came on sunday morning to re do the driver the site had blown again, so they had to resite again.

Si wasn't too good and was very tired all day  sunday, his biological visited with his other granddad, he wasn't able to stay awake or talk to them much. Which I think was quite sad. His other granddad [the biologicals father] is quite old and really didn't understand the situation and I didn't have the heart to put him straight, he thought Si still had 50/50 chance of survival. His grandmother was unable to come she isn't very well. So the Biological now feels vindicated and said he feels better for having finally made the effort to come and see Si for himself, Well that's ok then! and everything will be ok. Do I sound Bitter, you bet I do! but I said nothing and allowed him the peace he thinks he earnt.

He stayed asleep  most of the day he managed a few drinks [pineapple juice] but he really was not with us most of the day , I managed to talk a little with him and hold his hand for a while which was nice, but he is in pain and his head hurts, though he won't tell you that himself. I have to mention it to the nurses and they have to gauge if the morphine needs to be upped. 

I can see Si slowly withdrawing, I don't know if I am just being over sensitive or just seeing things that only a mother can see. But I understand what is going on and there is nothing I can do to stop it. So slowly I am withdrawing my feelings not for Si but for the situation. maybe it survival instincts kicking in I don't know, I am so scared that I will be the one to find him gone and then again I don't think I would want it any other way.

I have cried oceans, my heart is already grieving and I know in my heart and soul that it will only get harder.

Si has woken this morning with a bit of his old self shining through, and he has "attitude" which is typical, I told him he scared us all and that we thought he was knocking on heavens door, he looked a bit bewildered  until I told him he had been unconcious since Sunday!He is drinking a bit now only pineapple juice but he asked for a cup of tea which he hasn't touched yet, he likes it cold, but at least he decided what he wanted!

His own nurse from the Hospice came yesterday in between all the other nurses, it was a busy day, and she suggested as he was starting to respond to her that he may have an infection, he had a slightly raised temperature so we started a strong course of anti biotics last night, I have said if he starts to respond, we can take the anti sick/sedative down in the injection driver and increase the morphine just a little to control the pain and Si has said that will be ok. We could be lucky and have him a bit longer with us I'm not kidding myself but it is a comfort to think he is hanging on a bit longer and it is also very hard, it is like riding a very scary Roller coaster.

My daughter just keeps crying and can't go in his room although it doesn't stop the bub,yesterday she seemed to sense when he was awake and went in and pinched his nose, bless her and then later she went to the doorway and put her finger to her lips and said shush, he started to respond to peoples hello's and goodbyes and waved from his bed, How do little ones  know these things? it's beyond me.

The nursing staff i.e.palliative carers and ordinary carers have taken over the personal care side 90% and it has made things a bit easier although I feel it is not what he would really accept if he was aware.

Oldest son is coping and came up with a good idea, We are all, [Si included] going to design and build a rockery memorial with all Si's fav thing included in it and a solar powered water feature. My daughter suggested the water feature and I have said I want to include cheeky monkey's to remind me of Si, My youngest son will draw it and create a background effect, and hubby will build it with a bit of help from all of us, friends and family can contribute ideas and suggestions, it will take a while to complete but that's the beauty of the idea. It will give us all something else to concentrate on and it will be theraputic.

Well since yesterday's blog [ it's just gone midnight], things have got no better, Si is still asleep , drug induced, the hospice nurse [ not our usual one, she back tomorrow] never got things organised properly with the D/N's, so still a bit  of a muddle re: Dexamethasone, inco sheets pads etc.. had to call them back tonight to give him a dose of the dex as he hadn't had any all day, they gave him a shot of morphine  earlier as he said he had a headache, that's not a good thing! The injection driver is in now and we haven't got the dex for it yet,  so he has to be given it orally, and I don't feel able to do that as he is now.

The oldest son was here to help today and my daughter and granddaughter were here to distract me, in a good way, the youngest son came when I was having a snooze, [up most of the night with si and hot sweats] hubby looked after si for a while.

This is such a hard time in our lives and I'm not sure how we will get through but I know we will, we talk and share our feelings pretty well so I assume we will be ok.

My parents are taking it extremely hard! I feel so sorry for them and I really think they need to be with us especially my dad, but I just can't cope having them here as well as looking after Si, I know he was feeling a bit rejected when I declined his offer to come down, I hope he understands the reasons, I'm sure he does!My mum is a bit, you know, oh dear it will be a kind release type and that I definatly can't cope with that! She doesn't mean to be insensitive but she is old and a little confused. I do love them both but it's my "family " going through this and  that means me the old man and the kids.

I feel as though I am pushing everyone else out at the moment not wanting anyone seeing how vunerable Si is at the moment, [Over protective mother syndrome], but that's ok I will let them come soon.

So please say a prayer for ALL the people out there that are ill or sad or just lonely,ask for guidence for them and above all be as happy as you can, enjoy each moment you share with your loved ones.And remember it's never as bad as you think it is.

Things have gone quite badly this last weekend, Si is losing his battle against the monster in his head!

He was doing so well, but he started to deteriorate thursdayish, He is still talking and answering, but he went back in the wheelchair Friday. Yesterday he had a grand mal seizure whilst in the shower, luckily he has a purpose built wetroom with everything he needs, and was on his shower chair luckily!

 I realised something was wrong and Rob and I supported him ,I had to give him the buccal Medazalam orally to stop the fit, we managed to get him back to his bed, Once he settled and fell asleep, the hospice nurse called around  and arranged for the injection driver to be put in again. The nurses called around last night and reinstalled it on his tummy.

She has said he may be with us only be a couple of weeks longer, We have let the family know and  now I am letting you our friends know.

I  am dealing with this quite rationally at the moment, There is a lot to do as he has become more dependant on me, Still damned stubborn! and insists he can do things for himself!

I text the witch  and her  mother, still no  answer, and to be honest it is far too late now It would be too unbearable to see the kids now, I feel so much disgust towards the witch I don't think I could be here if she decided to come after all.

Si won't get his wish from the charity either he really  isn't well enough, I am trying to stay positive and to be honest I hope the Hospice nurse and me and everyone else is wrong about the diagnosis,[ in my heart I know the  truth], I just hope when his time comes he will go peacefully.

I'm still in a bit of  a quandry as to if and when I let him  go to the hospice, In one way I feel it would be right if he is no longer aware but on the other hand I don't want to let him go, either way is wrong he shouldn't  be going anywhere!!

I'm sorry this is such a sad blog,  but it is my way of dealing with all the hurt and anger I am feeling at the moment, I have a cry and then I get a headache, I'm sleeping downstairs to be near to him if he needs me, I don't sleep well at the moment anyway[hot flushes], so I am keeping a good eye on him.

We have had a few good times with laughter recently all the  family have at some stage been to see him, his nieces and nephew saw him this weekend, [they  cope really well, even when the adults arn't] His friends have  been to visit and those that can't have kept in touch. My friends have been to visit him and me most have  known him all his life so they are being supportive. The care workers are doing everything they can to give me and the family support, The grandparents are trying to come to terms with outliving thier grandson, it's so hard for them, but I can't have them here yet, it would be too hard to cope with the extra work, I love and need them but I can't deal with them at the moment.

My ex-husband  [Si's sperm donar, or biological]has been told!

do you know he is just like the witch, he asked to come down to visit, I told him to come when he could [a few weeks ago] even though Si really do'sn't want to see him, I said he should come on his own or with his mum and dad  or brother[they have been once and they  are quite old]not to bring his daughter and ex-partner, { Si is not an exhibition show!!!!!!!!!!!]and still he hasn't had the balls to come, he hasn't offered any form of support financial or otherwise, that's not unusual either, he says he is out of work at the moment but as soon as he can he will help!? Yeah Right! just like the maintenance payments!

Rob has been "there" since Si was 3 1/2, and Tim was 5. He IS thier DAD. He is finding it hard  to cope with all the pressure of working and trying to support me and the kids, I know  I bang on about him drinking too much[ he does] But he is here and he does help with Si in practical ways!!!!!!!!!!!!even when he has had a drink, so relly I shouldn't grumble,  but I do and I will.

So that's it for now I'm signing off for the rest of the day, I have got my daughter coming around and she,  bless her is breaking her heart already her partner is supportive and is understanding now so that helps, and having litlle Bub here will help me.

dO ANY OF YOU REALISE HOW DESPERATE SHE IS?

do any of you live near enough to give her a real hug?

Please send her your love and best wishes and  give her the help she needs  to keep going.

Finally pursuaded  Si to come out with us!!!!!!!

His carer told us about a free venue and it was staging the "Battle of the Bands" it was up on a clifftop on a bandstand, which has good access and as we all like music, we decided to give it a go!HA! Hubby came home from work and showered and changed we all got ready, Si's mobility is very poor again so it took a while we took the wheelchair thank god.

We parked and rolled down to the bandstand, the music was pretty good local bands trying out, Pink  flloyd songs, stuff from the 70's and 80's AC/DC etc....

We were there for about 3/4 hour,  then the heavens opened, Rob ran for the car, I pushed si towards the nearest parking spot free near the bandstand, then my phone rang, si and i were getting soaked, {it was warm rain}, as I answered the phone , really BIG drops of rain started pounding down on us, we had to laugh!lol. I realised I had walked too far and had to turn into the rain, and reverse a bit to the space Rob was parking in, I got Si {dripping wet] into the car and then struggled to get the wheelchair into the boot, I  was laughing at the state we all were in. Finally got into the car soaked to the skin , We got fish and chips on the way home and thoroughly enjoyed them!

 But as I said it's Sod's law.The first time in ages we manage to get out with si and the heavens open!

He was ok once he changed!

then after about an hour rob and I were sitting in the chill out, the weather had settled, it was a warm evening.

Sod's Law"

Hubby and I sat and chatted about nothing as usual last night and the non-conversation got around to words and thier meanings,

So here is the ?'s he asked:- WHICH WORD OR SYMBAL HAS THE MOST  MEANINGS?

Not including Love or Hate.

Then he asks about the word Chop?

Can you chop a chop with a chop?

As you can tell we were pretty bored, the conversation went along these lines until bedtime, where upon the Sex word was ?ioned, what does Sex mean? male-female- nooky, a prefix to other words a decision to be made. We decided the nooky definition was favourable.

I like being bored sometimes,ha ha ha ha ha.

Si was looking at some mags from the motor show, [his brother went], and my little treasure decided to have a look as well, hence the avatar change, she loves cars and so does her uncle.

I still cannot put the pics in my blog so you'll have to look in my pics to see what I 'm talking about.

The baby is so cute and she reminds me of the little girl with the little curl right in the middle of her forhead, when she is good , she is very very good and when she's bad she's horrid.

Also some new pics of my flowers etc.............

What a loverly weekend, My mum and Dad came down to look after Si so that hubby and I could go to see UB40 at Quex park, the music was brilliant can't say the same for the organization, not allowed to take our own drinks or food in, we had to cue to get in 3/4 hour, then cue for token's for the bar 1/2 hour, then 2 hours cuing to get over priced lager and alcho pops. Never mind though saw loads of friends we hadn't seen for ages and as I said the music was great. Aswad was the support act they were pretty good too.

Got a lift home, back by 11, a few drinks then bed.

Sunday saw mum and dad off, went to the boot fair, got some great bargains [everyone was too hot and just wanted to get home so prices were good.]

Spent the whole afternoon in the garden moving rocks and mud to make a tidier edge, used log roll looks pretty good. Absolutly filthy and dirty, [hubby thought he was going to get lucky] ha ha, too tired.

Si not coping with the weather very well his feet are swollen and sore looking, had the Dr out he has given him some tablets to help with the water retention, and I have sprayed his feet with a anti itching formula, he is very vacant and dopey, the dex increase is helping a bit but the weather is causing it's own problems for him. We bought a cooling tower that cools the air and it helps a bit, we have to wait and see.

It was his Son's birthday at the weekend we sent letters and cards and I sent a short e-mail, needless to say we haven't heard anything back yet, neither has the social worker from the hospice. We are not holding our breath.

So that's it for now have to collect prescription and some fags for me so bye keep rocking and rolling. 

I'm not sure how he is at the moment, he  say's he's ok but I can see he isn't.

It's too darned hot for him at the moment, but we are also reducing the dex, 2mg  pm, I think it is affecting him but not quite sure how, if you know what I mean? On monday we took 2mg off the evening time, he seemed fine until yesterday morning, it's just that he was doing so well. and this is a backward step,

He had a bit of a wobberly yesterday right leg paining and right hand a little bit shaky, not sure if he is going downhill again It looks like it to me but then I'm just waiting for it to happen, the careworkers were a bit concerned yesterday as well so maybe it's not just me.

He says he hasn't any pain yet he is having paracetamol about 3 times a day, I will keep an eye and see how he goes.

The hospice social worker has written to the witch and it was a really loverly, sensitive letter. We are still waiting but we can only wait so long I do not want Si going too far downhill, if he is to see the children on his special day [still waiting to arrange it,] he's hanging on for her answer, but we can only hang on for another week or two, I think he is going to go downhill again soon.

But let's not dwell on this, we have to still go on day to day, and I refuse to allow thoughts so negative to colour this time in our lives. Each day is a blessing and I am going to be as positive and colourful as I can, for his sake as well as mine.

He is doing soooooooooo well at the moment, he is walking around unaided and has been eating fairly well, The injection driver is still off.

He dosn't want to go out as such but is socialising at home, he rests in the afternoons for a couple of hours. and is coping really well.

getting a few headaches but nothing too bad that a couple of paracetamol won't cure.

I have nothing but admiration for his determination, I love  him to bits.

Re: THE WITCH

I HAVE WRITTEN A SHORT CURT NOTE OF APOLOGY TO HER MOTHER FOR MY OUTBURST........

hopefully when she receives it she will relent on the children visiting.I will do anything for that visit to happen.

I am a proud stubborn woman but I cannot hold a grudge for long, life is tooo short. Lets all hope and pray that she relents. Also the hospice social worker has tried to contact her so we will know for sure soon. One way or another.

If she still won't respond then god help her because I will respond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!my way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My youngest son and some friends went to watch a friends boxing match last night, in Essex, his friends girlfriend drove one car and his friend drove the other, they left about 1am to come home, his friends girlfriend arrived home first, and saw that the window had been smashed in, and the door was open, she phoned her boyfriend and stayed in the car quite scared.

He phoned the Police who told him they were too busy to attend!

He drove a bit faster than he should have to get home quicker and passed a Dormant Police Patrol, who on seeing him speeding followed him for about 1 mile,  then gave up he over took another Police car further up the road who also followed for about 1 mile then gave up, obviously not wanting to do any work!

He arrived home with my son and a few friends who checked the house out, and discovered that only an old Laptop had been taken, even though there was cash, cars and van keys [vehicles outside], obviously a kid or skag head had gone in got a bit spooked and grabbed the first thing they saw and went. Thankfully!

My son's friend phoned the Police to ask where they were again and again they said it wasn't of enough importance to attend the scene, and they were too busy for a burglary, he told them of the two Idle police patrols in his area ot more than 3 miles away, and they insisted they were too busy still to attend.

Well he let rip at thier incompetance on the phone, not much good when you think what could have happened, i.e. his girlfrind might have stumbled in and been attacked?

What the hell do we pay taxes for?

Why is it the police won't attend a burglary but will arrest someone for dropping litter?

HAS THE WHOLE OF SOCIETY GONE BLOODY MAD? DO WE HAVE  TO TURN TO VIGILANTE METHODS TO GET SOME JUSTICE?