The Blog of hardtimes

Sorry friends

I know that you all understand that this is  my place to rant and rave and I realise that I can be  quite depressing.

I feel guilty for laying this on perfect strangers when I find it hard to tell my family exactly how I am feeling!

Hubby now knows that he has been a dissappointing drunk and to give him his due he hasn't had much to drink the last few days [a couple when we went for our meal] but it won't last it  never does!

I have told him how I am not coping with this as well as everone thinks, I told him that he hasn't been there really.

Also I've  told the hospice nurse that I am not coping as well as I was, she said I was doing a great job, I don't think so but then what do I know?

I just wish it was all over and that I could get on with my life, that sounds so horrible even to me! Si seems so well considering and I really am pleased that he is doing  so well, I think that it's because I am anticipating the next round of this horrible slow lingering illness, being a carer as a job I know that this is the nature of the illness, and that this is just the lull before the storm but as I had pointed out to me that  it's so different when it's your own child , I know all this but it's just not a comfort to me.

The witch is not helping any she is still refusing to reply even though I sent her the hospice wishes letter and a stamped addressed envelope. The hospice Social  worker is  going to try next week as I have lost all hope of him seeing his kids.

The garden next door has been sort of sorted but  he is still duping the council  as they notify him of thier visit and he gets in the garden with a mower,  waits for them to visit, as soon as they are gone he goes inside. nothing has been done in the last fortnight since the last visit, blackberries growing over my fence line ,  hedge well it's sort of cut, the grass looks like a medow thats been trampled on, What he has bagged up he has piled up in black sacks and is using it like fencing, honestly you wouldn't believe it if you saw it. At the moment I really couldn't care less.!

I suppose this is normal, to  feel lack lustre,  to have no  energy to deal with things, to just put up with life as it is as there isn't anyway I can change things.

It's all so frustrating and soul destroying to be here in the position that I am in, sort of living , life is in limbo right now and I feel so trapped and out of sorts, certainly not my normal [ eccentric] self. I know when Si's illness kicks off again, I will deal with it as I have done, and I know I probably won't have much support from hubby, the kids will help but that's what they do, it doesn't change a damn thing nor does my moaning about how hard life is!

There are some of you out there that are going through similar or even worse than me and my family, I truly wish that life could be better for everyone out there, the world has become a truly horrible, selfish, evil place with all the violence everywhere, the hardships everyone has to endure, the poverty and the greed, it sure does make you wonder what on earth it's all about doesn't it??????????????