The Blog of hardtimes

I know that we are nearing the end, and I am really scared that I won't cope!

I know I have to deal with it and I have to be strong for the kids, but I can feel myself detaching.

Si had quite a good day Friday he sat in his wheelchair for a couple of hours, he chatted to his little sister and his brother, then had a reasonable good night, Saturday was even better, he sat in his wheelchair all day and his head was up and he had loads of attitude. He talked to his younger brother which was good as each time he was visiting Si was asleep. It has been very hard on all the kids and they are coping so it was good that they all had the chance to talk and be "normal" for a short time

Hubby got rather drunk Saturday and though he" behaved" he got rather sad and sat with Si and poured his heart out with love and sorrow intermingled, holding Si's hand and telling him how much he loved him and how when it was "his" time he hoped that Si would be there waiting for him. I didn't interupt or stop him as Si nodded that  he was ok,and it needed to be said.It was quite touching to eavesdrop on that conversation, I don't like being sad around Si and I think hubby is doing his best.

It was great that Si  finally was able to talk to and enjoy his siblings visits and talk to his dad.

Saturday night  had to call nurses out his injection driver site had blown, they came about midnight  and re-did the site,then when the nurses came on sunday morning to re do the driver the site had blown again, so they had to resite again.

Si wasn't too good and was very tired all day  sunday, his biological visited with his other granddad, he wasn't able to stay awake or talk to them much. Which I think was quite sad. His other granddad [the biologicals father] is quite old and really didn't understand the situation and I didn't have the heart to put him straight, he thought Si still had 50/50 chance of survival. His grandmother was unable to come she isn't very well. So the Biological now feels vindicated and said he feels better for having finally made the effort to come and see Si for himself, Well that's ok then! and everything will be ok. Do I sound Bitter, you bet I do! but I said nothing and allowed him the peace he thinks he earnt.

He stayed asleep  most of the day he managed a few drinks [pineapple juice] but he really was not with us most of the day , I managed to talk a little with him and hold his hand for a while which was nice, but he is in pain and his head hurts, though he won't tell you that himself. I have to mention it to the nurses and they have to gauge if the morphine needs to be upped. 

I can see Si slowly withdrawing, I don't know if I am just being over sensitive or just seeing things that only a mother can see. But I understand what is going on and there is nothing I can do to stop it. So slowly I am withdrawing my feelings not for Si but for the situation. maybe it survival instincts kicking in I don't know, I am so scared that I will be the one to find him gone and then again I don't think I would want it any other way.

I have cried oceans, my heart is already grieving and I know in my heart and soul that it will only get harder.