The Blog of hardtimes

Si has been going down very fast, he isn't eating or drinking, he rallied a bit  on Friday when the bub  went in to see him, and he even ate a biscuit because she was sharing it with him, [bless] he tries so hard to be a really great uncle, even though he hasn't got the  strength,  I am so proud of him, he manages  to wave when anyone says goodbye and even blows kisses to the kids,, it's a strain and you can see he is having to try really hard but he is still acknowledging everyone and letting them know he is still here.

Wednesday, The hospice nuse came and discussed our arrangements, re staying here and what to do at the end, it was a tough chat and we have talked about it, he is our son and he's staying here.

Thurs: I phoned the witches mother and got through! I apologised again for the letter I wrote,  and once again begged and pleaded for some response from her daughter, [who has been "very poorly"  yeah right! prob, sore throat again][she had taken her dog to the vets and wasn't at  her mums],The  kids were there but I couldn't talk to them I didn't know what  to say. Her mother really dosn't realise what is going on, she didn't know that the Hospice had written to her daughter offering help and support, or that she could have come down here in a limo if that's what she wanted, or that I had offered to pay for her trip and wages lost, I'm just glad that she isn't my daughter, I would be so ashamed of the way she has and is behaving. She said she would talk to her again but I'm not holding my breath. Even a response would be better than nothing but it is definatly too late.

Also his grandparents from London came down [paternal] bless them they are getting so old and it was so hard for his gran, she sat with him for a while about 3 hours even though he was asleep most of that time, she is a lovely lady and I admire and respect her very much,so does my husband who she accepted straight away, over her own son! [which tells you alot about him.] she even treated our other two as grandchildren. they wouldn't stay here even though they were very welcome, but they stayed in the hotel where the eldest son works and came back the next day.

Friday: si was asleep most of the time. grandparents visited again and again gran sat for about 3 hours with si.[ bless her]grandad still doesn't get whats happening he still thinks Si has a 50/50 chance.

At least he was comfy,  he can't be moved much as it is painful for him but he is being kept clean and warm, we had the doctor out just to look at him and to say that there wasn't much they could do, and it was for my peace of mind as I don't want him cut up after he has gone[ he has to be seen by the doctor a fortnight before to avoid an autopsy].

Sat: Very busy with all the doctors and nurses and carers, Si still not good, he is starting to over heat and I am so sad, he is losing so much weight and his colour is not good, he is starting to cough, and is so sleepy all the time.Hubby got drunk again but we talked about things and made some desisions about things i.e. contacting some of Si's old friends that we  and he hadn't seen for a while and one in particular that he had fallen out with,but they had known each other for such a long time we thought he had a right to know what was happening and give him a chance to say "goodbye"

Sunday, contacted Si's old friends, one turned up with his wife straight away, which was nice and sad all at the same time. The others will try this week.

I decided that the family needed to be here so I cooked dinner for us all and it kept me busy.

Si has developed some bed sores, and a chest infection, doctors, carers, nurses all trying so hard to keep him comfy, he isn't!

He is so thin now and I don't think he will see the week out. It's so hard, but harder is trying to help the kids come to terms with it, youngest two are really struggling and don't want to let him go, oldest son keeping it together and has his kids this week, so that's keeping him from cracking up, hubby drinks and me well I'm just holding on, comforting Si and dealing with everyone. I have been checking out funeral things and making decisions. It's what needs to be done and it makes me feel useful,, that sounds harsh but I really don'tknow what else to do, other than sob my heart out, but there will be time for that later, I cry on and off but I have to hold on for a while longer just like si.